one two three four tell me that you love me more

I didnt really know what to write so im just directly quoting the stories/thoughts and prayers from my journal

Sept 13
"I dont know how to be a mother" i Had this thought today after the second child in a few hours said i was like there mother.

First Nokubonga, I think she said i was like her mother because i would hug her back, she has a strong personality and i dont know if people really know how to deal with her. Thinking about her makes me what to cry, she is a only child, orphaned and living with a ver sick Gogo.

Second was Emmanuel. Emmanuel is 17, taking care of his two younger brothers, and fighting with his Gogo for the child care grant.

I really dont know how he gets by...first he took me aside to tell me about the problems with his Gogo and I said I would Speak to his childcare worker and try to make a plan, then later he pulled me aside and was like "you are my mother i need to tell you all my problems, Lacey I have no Food, I have nothing to give my brothers either"

After asking both Stanley and Musi for advice, Alisha and i went and bought him a few vegatables and bread, it wasnt much...actually in the big scheme of things it wasnt anything but i need to fing a more sustainable solution.

My heart is truely truelt broken, and for a while there i was really angry, Angry in a way that may seem selfish, I was thinking "why do i have to deal with this? why do i have to be the one to struggle with the decision of who to buy food for? is this not something the body of christ took care of a long time ago?"

But I guess I'm the one with the experiance, I'm the one who got to take care of Jesus in "the least of these"

My heart is broken, My heart is broken, My heart is broken.

Dear Jesus
Im Confused and broken and hurting because i know the broken hearted-ness that i feel is nothing compared to the hurt you feel...and mine really hurts
You love Nokubonga and Emmanuel far more then me or anyone...i dont know what to do.
Please Jesus, Be Nokubonga's comfort, be her friend when she is alone.
Please Jesus,Best friend, be Emmanuels strenght and his hope when things are hard.
-Lacey

Sept 14
I've Burst into tears randomly at least 7 times today, this whole thing with Emmanuel has shook me alot more theni even realized.


sept 18
I went out fro lunch with a friend today and we where talking about how we messure success, and how it can get kind of scewed into this thing of "how big did my program get?" "how many people did i reach?" and how that so cant be how we look at things.

I was just thinking about Linkie. the other day she was telling me about one of her neighbors that she goes to visit to help her take her ARV's so she wont default....what a success! what a beautiful accomplishment!

Because every- 1 matters, God has this big plan for every- 1, he brought me to africa to hold modisa's hand when she was crying at the camp, he brougth me to africa to buy emmanuel bread, to give nokubonga and bongi hugs, to wash pai pai out of clerences hair and to play with princess in the creche, because every- 1 matters....

for the past few days i was feeling a little bit down, after a conversation i had with someone where i felt they where saying they need more skilled people to do the job im doing, i felt bad cause im like "ug! this program could run better if someone with better qualifcations was doing it, if only i could do dot dot dot" but then i rememebered i dont care about that stuff i dont care if i dont have certain sicks....God brought me here to love people....

"So let in the light wherever, whenever you can. And after cultivating the glow for a while, let it go,let it flow, transmit it, and you're sure to receive more along the way, just keep on loving thats the bottom line. Everything is here because of love. That's why we were created- to love!
Love Keeps things going now, and for forever. Love sets us out on our journey and ensures our safe return. Go with the Flow, keep pace with the lovebeats of the heart
-Robert Lax"

the far side

wow....i just had this whole blog all typed up and then wam...deleted out of no where and i dont even know how or why! that does not help the teen anxiet, which just happened to be the topic of this blog.

for the past week or so i have been having this whirling crazy feeling inside my heart...i have been confused about what it means to be real and its driving me slightly crazy.

I had come to the conclusion that i have cheated myself out of the whole story, the whole process of following Christ....I think like everything(well maybe not everything but like...alot) about me up to two years ago was really just a person desiring the "spiritual person" image....and i think that has given me a corrupt foundation....so reacantly i have "started" over with Jesus....asking HIM(not others)to show me who he is...and wow...we've only just started but he's a pretty big deal im not going to lie.
i also asked him what is life? how do you want me to live?
and oh gosh....gotta go deeper but dont know how...got to get more uncomfortable but im scared.

the other day i had a conversation with this wonderful lady who helps us run our after school program and i told her that i feel like i have to talk "extreme" not to like impress people but to use that to push myself...i want the things i say to be real and i want to do the things i say i will do.

these thoughts are slightly broken up but maybe someone will get what i am trying to say.

"Being a christian is about choosing Jesus and deciding to do something incrediably daring with your life"

"there are those of us who, rather than simply reject pop evangelicalism, want to spread another kind of Christianity, a faith that has as much to say about this world as it does the next"

"we are thirsty for social justice and peace but have a hard time finding a faith community that reconizez that there are "moral issues" other than homosexuality and abortion,moral issues like war and poverty"

"I had become a "believer" but i had no idea what it means to be a follower.People had taught me what christians believe but no one had told me how christians live"


These quotes/thoughts and many others have been plaguing/sanding/breaking/building/preparing me lately and i would love to hear anyone elses thoughts.

sashlagoshla(stay well)

from Mozambique to Memphis nights life is a highway

Last week started out extremely stressful...I actually stayed home from work on Tuesday just cause i couldn't and didn't want to deal with work, but the plan of going to Mozambique for the weekend totally kept me going, and it was actually so amazing and just what i needed.

Maputo is more of what i would expect of a African city, like joburg just seemed to westernized, but Maputo was....really dirty, nothing posted in English,people everywhere...it was extremely lovely.

After getting through the border a lot faster then we anticipated we headed to "Fatima's" backpackers hostel, which was absolutely the coolest place ever....I seriously could have spent the whole weekend just hanging out there, trying to get up the courage to talk to some of the other really cool looking guests.

Our First morning we got up, went and had some lovely fresh Portuguese rolls, exchanged our money and headed to the market.
I am sad to say that as far as the things the market had to offer for buying where a little disappointing.... mainly things i could have got here in south Africa and every stall seemed to have the same thing but the vibe was really cool and it was nice to walk around and watch people or watch our friend Darryl interacting with people (he's a very special guy :) ) after the market we headed across the street to a material (there is another word for what they are called but i can not recall it now) warehouse/shop and i bought far to many pretty materials and it seemed like a rather long process cause the sales guy was trying to teach me Portuguese and unfolding ever piece i expressed interest in, but i guess "while in Rome"

After shopping we went and had lunch and then we went off to the beach,at the beach it was kinda weird cause i separately felt like each of my parents, the first thing i did was walk around and collect shells and pieces of broken glass and stuff to make a mosaic/pretty thing, like my dad used to do when the tide would go out in BC. Then later i was the only one in the water (with my all my clothes on no less) and i felt like my mother....crazy. after hanging out at the beach we went for dinner and back to the hostal for a little while, after not really knowing what to do we drove around a bit and ended up at the beach.
Darryl had a good time running around looking at the tide pools and almost being kidnapped by the millions of chirping crabs, and the rest of us had a good time watching him.
The next day we went to a a place called "Katemba" (my african spelling is like my english spelling meaning not so good so thats def not spelled correctly), we had to cross from Maputo to katemba on the sketchiest looking ferry that i ever did see,and on the ferry ride back they packed like a whole country on to the boat....i would not have been surprized if we had sunk... there where so many people on the boat that we couldnt open the doors to out car.
anyway the beach at katemba was really chill, it was alot less busy that the one in maputo and yeah we just spent the day relaxing.

African police men are a little different then police you would find in north america... and i have a little story to illustrate

so we are driving along that road all peacful and happy, then suddenly and police officer with a huge AK47 walks out into the road and signals us to pull over, we where expecting this because apparently Moz police keep their eyes open for forign plates. So we are pulled over, there are three other cops with big guns standing there and the first cop circles are car looks at all of us and asks for Jon's license, he examines the license and then says "well,you" (points to darryl, who is sitting in the back seat) "have made a common mistake, you are not wearing a seatbelt" long moment of silence "thats a fine of 1000 metecals" another moment of silence and then Jon in a very angry voice is like "fine but i want a reciepe" the police man says "fine we will have to go to the police station" jon in his attitude voice says "fine lets go" then the cop suddent changes his mind and says "the fine is 1000 mets but you can apologies to me for 500" Jon barters it down to 300 and we are merrily along are way.execpt ever 5 minutes Jon remembers what happens and gets all mad...it was so funny.
except if you ask him about it now he will deny it every happened....just like he would deny how a group of them got lost up Mount Legogote for 5 hours in the dark last week.

when the internet is working better i will try and upload pictures from Mozimbique.

I just have to mention how happy I am, I have so many moments where im like "i can not believe this is my life...." Its really a unbelieavble cool feeling.