one two three four tell me that you love me more

I didnt really know what to write so im just directly quoting the stories/thoughts and prayers from my journal

Sept 13
"I dont know how to be a mother" i Had this thought today after the second child in a few hours said i was like there mother.

First Nokubonga, I think she said i was like her mother because i would hug her back, she has a strong personality and i dont know if people really know how to deal with her. Thinking about her makes me what to cry, she is a only child, orphaned and living with a ver sick Gogo.

Second was Emmanuel. Emmanuel is 17, taking care of his two younger brothers, and fighting with his Gogo for the child care grant.

I really dont know how he gets by...first he took me aside to tell me about the problems with his Gogo and I said I would Speak to his childcare worker and try to make a plan, then later he pulled me aside and was like "you are my mother i need to tell you all my problems, Lacey I have no Food, I have nothing to give my brothers either"

After asking both Stanley and Musi for advice, Alisha and i went and bought him a few vegatables and bread, it wasnt much...actually in the big scheme of things it wasnt anything but i need to fing a more sustainable solution.

My heart is truely truelt broken, and for a while there i was really angry, Angry in a way that may seem selfish, I was thinking "why do i have to deal with this? why do i have to be the one to struggle with the decision of who to buy food for? is this not something the body of christ took care of a long time ago?"

But I guess I'm the one with the experiance, I'm the one who got to take care of Jesus in "the least of these"

My heart is broken, My heart is broken, My heart is broken.

Dear Jesus
Im Confused and broken and hurting because i know the broken hearted-ness that i feel is nothing compared to the hurt you feel...and mine really hurts
You love Nokubonga and Emmanuel far more then me or anyone...i dont know what to do.
Please Jesus, Be Nokubonga's comfort, be her friend when she is alone.
Please Jesus,Best friend, be Emmanuels strenght and his hope when things are hard.
-Lacey

Sept 14
I've Burst into tears randomly at least 7 times today, this whole thing with Emmanuel has shook me alot more theni even realized.


sept 18
I went out fro lunch with a friend today and we where talking about how we messure success, and how it can get kind of scewed into this thing of "how big did my program get?" "how many people did i reach?" and how that so cant be how we look at things.

I was just thinking about Linkie. the other day she was telling me about one of her neighbors that she goes to visit to help her take her ARV's so she wont default....what a success! what a beautiful accomplishment!

Because every- 1 matters, God has this big plan for every- 1, he brought me to africa to hold modisa's hand when she was crying at the camp, he brougth me to africa to buy emmanuel bread, to give nokubonga and bongi hugs, to wash pai pai out of clerences hair and to play with princess in the creche, because every- 1 matters....

for the past few days i was feeling a little bit down, after a conversation i had with someone where i felt they where saying they need more skilled people to do the job im doing, i felt bad cause im like "ug! this program could run better if someone with better qualifcations was doing it, if only i could do dot dot dot" but then i rememebered i dont care about that stuff i dont care if i dont have certain sicks....God brought me here to love people....

"So let in the light wherever, whenever you can. And after cultivating the glow for a while, let it go,let it flow, transmit it, and you're sure to receive more along the way, just keep on loving thats the bottom line. Everything is here because of love. That's why we were created- to love!
Love Keeps things going now, and for forever. Love sets us out on our journey and ensures our safe return. Go with the Flow, keep pace with the lovebeats of the heart
-Robert Lax"