Grace is Gone

I cleaned my room yesturday.
I found a letter I wrote Brianne, and in it i wrote "my mind is racing at like mock 15"
and I dont think its stopped.

When I logged on I had many topics on which I thought i could write but now I dont know where to start.

Do Blogs give people the sense of fake realtionship?
when we read each others blogs do we feel we have made a connection and know each other?
I know I would much rather talk to you about the things you face, I would like to see the person you write as and the person I know become one.
I would like to see the person I write as and the person you know become one.

I read Laura Popes blog and I truely wonder if deep in me is a selfless person who is going to be able to handle Africa.

In this room I cleaned the other day,I found many creatures.
There is a strong one, who will help people, there is a smart one who can speak her thoughs, there is a scared one who shivers and tries despratly to stay where she is at, there is a artistic one who is always scribbling pictures and dreaming dreams, there is a reflective one, a prayful one, a doubting one, a hurtful one, a impure one, a innocent one
There is a seamstress who is trying despratly hard to sew all these people together into someone that is worthwhile, someone who can look in the mirror and say "I believe in Love that is why my actions reflect it"

Inspiration

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEANNA)

inspiration comes from odd places.
Im going to write a (book/artical/maybe it will just end up to be a post in my blog)
and this clip is basically what inspired it.

what would you do?

Hmm
so I work at costco now.
and I think this one might actually stick.
but it feels weird to profit off of such extreme consumerism so that I can save money to go spent time with people who have nothing.

sister and I both agree we miss hastings

call on me callll on me, fall on me fallll on me

So I got back from camp today, Camp was actually pretty sweet, there where definatly some moments that I didnt like and definatly (Leanna am i spelling that right? i dont think so but my brains not working and i know you always know when i spell that word wrong lol) where it was hard being in the "leadership" position.
But i have to say i experianced like the COOLEST thing ever, after lights out on the first night i went and had a cigar(which i thought i had quit smoking but i guess not hahaha) with one of my good friends, and we ended up down at the lake, and because camp is out in the country it was really dark and the stars where INCREDIABLE, and you could see the reflection of the stars in the lake, it was so neat cause there where a few shooting stars and seeing them reflected in the water was really so cool.

Okay and another intresting moment for me at camp was at campfire on saturday night, we sang this song called testify to love, and i've heard the song before and stuff but when i could hear everyone singing maybe i was listening to the words better, and i dont know everytime we would sing the chorus i was like "how beautiful would it be if we as christians actually did this"

heres the chorus for you guys:

"for as long as I shall live I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enought
with every breathe I take I will give thanks to God above
for as long as i shall live I will testify to love"

when I connect with stuff like that I like to go a look up some of the words just to get a deeper meaning.
so I looked up testify to see the differnt things it means and some of the defitions are
"to declare, profess,to bear witness to; affirm as fact or truth"

Coming back on the bus I was talking with some of the girls in my cabin and we were talking about why we loved camp and stuff and i cant express what a important place it is, so many of they where like "camp has made me who I am"
"I dont know who I would be without camp"
and just stuff along those lines.
I dont really know where I was trying to go with that thought other then I love camp.

kingsfold

soo...Im 18 now, offically an adult and my life is legally my own.

Yesturday I had the lovely experiance of hanging out at Kingsfold retreat centre. When we first got there my good friend took me on a tour, we walked down this huge hill to where they have the stations of the cross and it was actually really neat, I would like to go back and have some time to work through the stations, then we had lunch (lental soup, it was really intresting) and then we had some time to go about and do what we liked, I decieded to go to there chapel which was actually really neat, in the centre there was this big stone and at the front there was a really cool cross made out of just some untreated logs. So I walked around in the chapel a little bit and found a candle with a dragonfly on it, and most of you know what i view dragonflies as a kind of spiritual symbol for myself, so i was like "k im gonna light this" so i had to search around through all there cupboards to find a lighter (i felt kind of rude but i really wanted to light it). I found one and after i put the light in my candle i decieded to take off my shoes to signify that I was standing in holy ground and that I wanted to be in a
"holy frame of mind"
so i sat down on near my candle and just looked at it and started thinking, and in the beginning of the day i was like "I know my thoughts are going to come back to all the things i am worried about but i dont want them to id rather have some sort of spiritual relvalation"
so anyway i started thinking and looking at the candle and thinking about the things im worried about, so i decieded to start praying about those things and as i pray in my head i deciede to pray outloud, so i start saying everything outloud and I pray about all those things and i ask God "when i blow out this candle please let it be a symbol of me getting rid off the worry and putting my trust in you"
so after a few minutes I blew out the candle. I was going to stay and journal and reflect on what just happened but someone else came into the chapel and kind of shifted my focus so i decieded to go for a walk.
I ended up in the "Grace notes room" which was a room they had set up hoping that people with a more of an art focus would come, they had some really neat pictures and stuff and it was cool, in there I journaled about being in the chapel and the candle and all that stuff and it was nice, after that i only had about 30 minutes before we(that would be Jen and myself) were going to meet to go do some reflection with the church that sponsored the day. So I decieded to go outside again and see if anything sparked my intrest, as i was walking i found a swing that looked over the cliff and the valley/river. I sat in the swing with the intention of reading a book that zoey gave me for my birthday but i ended up just looking and listening to the river, it was very nice.
after the half hour was over, i went to find Jen and we went and met with the 4 people from crossroads (thats the church)
We all sat and talked for a while and then the paster asked if anyone had anything they wanted prayer for, i piped in about how i need a job and Jen mentioned about how im going to africa, so we talked about that for a few minutes and then they prayed for me.
I cant say how NICE it was to have these people pray for me, usually i think praying outload is pretty hoky and fake and all that, which this stuff used the same "christian" langues most people use, but just the fact that they were from a church and they where praying for me and it wasnt over the top flaky christian langues was so nice, I've felt kind of shafted by church right now so I dont know that was a really cool experiance.

Jen and I talked alot about camp and it made me not so worried about going this weekend and we talked alot about possiable things that could happen when im back from africa and i got me SO stoaked
so that was cool.

why?

okay this is not a rant so please dont read it that way.

Why are people the way they are? like why dont we care when we see other people hurting? i just dont understand.
The world has enough resources for everyone, why do we live so much over what we need? i just really dont understand. I really truely do not get this.

How do we change? the answer isnt hard but as north americans we've made the action of the answer very hard. we cant part with our things i dont get it.

following christ really is a big thing...like it extends to how we live and i know people always say "its a life style" but i mean it extends to how we live in such a deeper way...
I dont know how im going to do this, but the idea that it is a process gives me comfort, I really do hope to make my life a reflection of what i believe in all aspects.

the fear i have from not having a job is slowly seeping into other aspects of my life, now im very nervous about going to camp and very nervous about my friendships, i dont understand how all of a sudden i feel like a shiver puddle of incompatents.

Artic tundra

(Happy Birthday Benjamin!)

okay so here we are, i quit kernals and i have a interview at a bottle depot tomorrow, my application should be in africa by now so hopefully i will here back from them soon, my passport was put in the mail today so yeah
thats the update.
I dont have a support letter written yet, i was hoping to get a template but thats doesnt seem possiable right now, so im gonna wing-it.

popcorn get your popcorn

am I just drawn to Jobs where the employers are stupid messed up people who dont understand that "Full time" means MINUMUM 40 hours a week?

I'll be done at kernals on friday cause this is rediculous.

Tomorrow I am (hopefully) going to a mediation, I really need it, my spirit is tired cause my heart wont stop worrying.
I have a hard time seeing and understanding why africa is going to work out at the rate stuff is moving.

Im reading this book about "Peace Pilgrim" and she talks about how when you are serving other people your energy doesnt run out, and that makes sense to me. I wish some how I could survive by serving other people, Im buring out, loosing focus and getting really scared.