reflect what you believe

i want you between me and the feeling i get when i miss you...

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Wed, 06 May 2009 01:52:00 +0000

Blogging...i've started blogging on a new blog, the url is reflectwhatyoubelieve.blogspot.com

although you should still keep checking this one cause as I "process"(whatver that means) africa i will post stories that i havent yet.

Love

something on the road...

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 21:56:00 +0000

as i was sitting on the plane starting to slightly freak out, i felt it so clearly being pointed out to me that i had love coming at me from every direction.

Dear Hands family
every day I realize more and more how much you blessed me.
(heart)
-Lacey

its weird being home and its only getting weirded...i had a odd sobbing attack today in starbucks that was totally unexpected and my first real emotional experiance since being back, so we will see what continues to unfold but yeah, I said confidently that Jesus has africa covered and i believe that, now i just need to continue to remind my heart that and see whats next.

but yeah
i dont make sense anymore.

love love love love

debating

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Fri, 13 Mar 2009 12:10:00 +0000

11/March

Its funny how, like nothing is going to be as real as "the moment". I will not be able to accurately explain emotion and the things going through my head and the pictures i take will not fully capture the beauty and "feeling" of its object.

Today i went to cork and I'm so glad i went even though it cost me a day at the hospice and i really wasn't that into the idea.

we arrived at the home base care center and greeted each volunteer with a hand shake and a hug and started to sing as we sang one of the volunteers, Priscella, set up two benches and brought the children out of a class room.

I've never been so struck by beauty as i was with these little ones who crowded each other, giggled and whispered in there mother tongue.
They where told "we are praying" and they all stood up and closed there eyes, i watched them and there was this one little girl who kept getting distracted and looking around and then suddenly remembering they where praying and squeezing her eyes closed so tightly.

I at first thought i would go on home base care but there little ones drew me to them and i decided to stay with the,. Priscella told me it was "class time" and they sat in a little semi circle and sang a song that said "i want to be like Jesus" (its funny cause they dont even know what it means) and then Priscella told them the story of "AAdam and Eva"
I sat beside her and watched one little boy who was getting kind of antsy and his chair was eventually moved near mine, after several minutes i ended up holding his hand "the African way" which is my left in his gripping his thumb with his gripping mine, as i looked down at his little hand i remembered how just last night i pictured myself holding hands like that with Jesus, just as the thought floated through my head the little boy kissed my thumb and i nearly bawled.
As we continued the teacher had them repeating Genesis 1:1 "In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth" and they went through and said it individually, it was really more of a screaming compatition and it took several children for me to realize what the they where actually saying, when one would sit down the teacher would tell me their name and situauon and what she was telling me reminded me of this album called "beauty in destruction" how can these beautiful (screaming) children exsist in this destruction of their familits, their country...maybe their future?

love

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Sun, 22 Feb 2009 11:44:00 +0000

Dear Africa

Happy one year anniversary!I love you!

this year has been such a strange mix of joy and heartbreak but...so incrediable...im so appreciative of where God's brought me and where i have met him....

ngi yaku tzandza kuhulu!

-Lacey

Goodnight and go

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Sun, 15 Feb 2009 17:25:00 +0000

There are many many many things i appreciate about africa...peri peri chips, the fact that i havent worn shoes for like 3 weeks,big eyes, being called "skim" and "shuma", riding in the back of bakkie (pick up trucks) for two hours as i said...many things.

One thing i really really appreciate though is, the community of volunteers and how through this experiance i have met soo many different people! so many different cool people!

and i want to introduce you to some of them through there blogs.

start at the start and keep time ever time...

Dara, Laura and Callan, where my first roomates and in the same intake as me, Dara and Laura spent 9 months in mozimbique and callan stayed here!
sadly they have all gone home but its good to read back on what they have written

I had many Roomates Between them and the next batch of blogs, Karen from USA, Mary from ont. Byron from calgary, Hendri from holland, Darryl from canada, Morgan from Canada

So around aug the new footprinters arrived and it was myself, Heather from calgary, Alisha from outside edmonton, and two american Emily and Jessie
Heather has gone home and im so excited to hang out with her when im back

Alisha and Emily went to Zambia
(Alisha doesnt like to write stuff but she does take alot of pictures!)
(emily has recently become involved with a little boy who was very sick, the story is def something to check out)

sadly Jessie (who is currently my roomate) does not have a blog but she does write many stories on the hands website in the news room, on this page you will be able to find many stories from volunteers with hands across africa and also a blog for George (the CEO) a month after Jessie and the girls arrived a new arrival joined there intake,
Hannah
/ is currently in mozimbique

some where amidst this all Kristal arrived from saskatoon to work with Darryl in the forward education program

recently Louise also from saskatoon has arrived:

she has written a blog about her community stay in bushbuck ridge that really breaks my heart, and i know we all want to have broken hearts so please check it out.

along with Louise arrived Mike from saskatoon...whats up with this? and Danny from england...(neither have blogs)

we also can not forget about Brooke and Jed, a couple with peace corp (i wish canada had peace corp)

Laura's Blog (different laura) is also full of stories that will inspire you
we havent been in africa at the same time but im sure it will happen sooner or later...

now please go meet these people who i love

everyone look whats going down

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 12:40:00 +0000

looking back..

Nov 27

I don't know if this is going to be a over spiritual-i-zation of a completely normal even but here i go.

I have completely lost my voice, i can only speak in the smallest whisper, my throat doesn't hurt i just can not speak.
Stanley was being so sweet, every time i tried to speak he would put his arm around my shoulder and lean his ear close so i wouldn't have to strain to much,
Anyway So I'm thinking about "the voiceless" and how the Bible says we must be a voice for the voiceless, but im thinking we have to add to this idea, we also have to actively crane our necks to hear that voice because for some reason this hugely important message is only communicated in a whisper so easily drowned out by other things...

4 seasons in one day

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Wed, 21 Jan 2009 14:32:00 +0000

Its strange...Im blinking back tears of joy over making a bed, organizing a linen closet and peeling vegetables.
The past two Wednesdays i have been volunteering at ACTS Hospice...and i come back so happy.

When i was there last week I visited with two patients imparticular and i told them i would bring them a postcard of Calgary and a picture of snow to show them this week...i guess i wasn't thinking...apparently patient turn over happens very quickly...i was devastated when i walked in this morning and i didn't know anyone...
"know wherever this is comfort there is pain"
i guess it was due to my own silly ness but yeah...i dont know...i dont even know what i am talking about anymore...

Africa is cool and Jesus...well the guy is my best friend, and he is SO cool.
Pray for me

the wind and the rain

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Mon, 12 Jan 2009 13:11:00 +0000

(When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. "It's a ghost," they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

"Lord, if it's you," Peter replied, "tell me to come to you on the water."

"Come," he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.) (matt 14:27-19)

you see....Jesus doesn't tell Peter "wait peter till you are better...till you know more scripture, till you've preached to more people, till you've stopped sinning, till you are better"
He doesn't say to Peter "Peter this is how i am going to keep you safe, this is the science/ the magic of what i will do to help you walk on this water"

He says "Come"

I want to go...I'm so ready to just follow....
I don't care about going to school, having a career and stability...i just want to Go.
But i want to Go the way God wants...i want to walk beside Jesus as i go and i just don't know how to hear him....

I have the opportunity to stay in Africa till July i just don't know if its the right thing....I have an opportunity to go a stay with a really cool community of faith in Philly, i have an opportunity to go home and apply to go to school to become a social work....but what does Jesus want from me?

I need prayer cause i don't know what to do...

I'm so open to do whatever!
and i am also so content with my life...I've never trusted God more....he knows my needs before i do and he has totally taken care of me....

anyway...Friends if God hands your my road map please pass along the directions...

what about the Bells?

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 08:23:00 +0000

Jan 1 2009
Modern day Jesus has kind of been a theme in my reading lately, with books like "the shack" and "Messiah of Morris avenue"

but today i saw something that made me think of modern day Jesus...

we arrived in Kitwe after a ridiculously insanely lame bus ride, where we waited 3 hours for the bus to fill and then another 3 hours to get there, all the while the chickens and children on the bus are squawking, we arrive to a brightly shining smiling James. Who brought us to a guest house and then took us to his own home.

I'm going fast but i don't' know how to tell this story.

James was only expecting two of us and it was cool to see how "whatever" it was that we where four.
Anyway! he took us to his home where we met his beautiful family and chatted for a bit. After a few minutes we decided to go into Mulanga, where they run their home base care and feeding scheme, its been raining so the track from his home to where we are headed is mud city, James joked about how the need to budget for gum boots, so needless to say the four of us in flip flops got very muddy and it turned out that the path was impassable due to the hugest puddle known to man.

So we trek it back up to James' house and he brings out buckets of water for us to wash our feet and he eventually washes Jessie's shoes...it just put a new twist on the Bible story of Jesus' washing his disciples feet and you can see the one James serves shine through him.

Jan 2
I am so impressed and inspired. I asked James as a joke if i could move into his house, because i want to stay here! i just want to do home base care and hang out with the children.
This morning James came and got us and we went to whats pretty much there home base care head quarters, its a home that they run there feeding program out of. Inside lives a lady they call "Mama Junior" (apparently in Zambian culture they just refer to you as mother of so and so, so her sons name is junior that's why they call her that)
Mama Junior cooks for all the children in the feeding program and lets many of them stay in the house with her.
It was so cool because it was like all these different people giving what they could for the benefit of the children.

We did two really quick home visits and it was cool, this is what you would call a slum, its kind of like a isolated township inside a city, the paths are muddy and "streamy" and full of garbage and after about 5 seconds we had a parade of children following us.
it was so surreal

Its strange/awesome how chatting with people brings out different points or sensory details.
I was talking with Alisha and she brought up how she was so impressed with the way the volunteers interacted with the Children.
Pastor Blessings would always hold any child that was any where near him, on our first home visit there was a little toddler soaked in pee and he just held her....In Africa "Pastor" is generally a hugely held up title and from what i have seen of lots of pastors they wouldn't have done it...but here is this man taking Jesus seriously. So inspiring!
also we where walking along and this one girl recognized Crispan and her face just totally lit up and she ran and flung herself into his arm, it was cool to see these things because like...you could tell they weren't just putting on a show...this is there being!

there's a log on the fire...

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 12:23:00 +0000

where do i even begin?

Christmas in Africa has been super cool, that doesn't mean i haven't missed my family and friends like crazy though.

i will start at the start and keep time every time (as Stanley would put it)

Jessie and I took a very uneventful bus and plane trip from nelspruit to joburg to livingstone.
Once arriving in Livingstone we met our friends, Alisha and Emily who are hands volunteers in zambia, and proceeded to wait for our shuttle from the hostel...as we wait it started to rain and the shuttle has sent a open safari vehical to pick us up....needless to say we got pretty wet but it was for sure a fun start!

we got to our hostel (a hostel i would totally recommend to anyone who ever goes to livingstone)
and just kind of chilled around.

The next day we headed off for our day at Victoria falls...man was that cool...the falls are fricken huge! as we where walking around the falls we checked out the Bridge we where going to bunjee jump from....thats when i started to panic....so after a little more looking at the falls we head over to the bunjee jumping place...when you go to the bridge you technically have to leave zambia and enter no mans land, so thats what we did...for me it was really strange to stand on the bridge and look over at zimbabwe and imagine whats going on there right now...

anyway downer...so we pay for the bunjee and head over to the bridge...the whole time i talked all this trash about how "i must go first! im not going to look down im just going to do it!" yeah when push came to shove i was like "Jessie you go first i will go next" and even then i was like "K emily you go next and then i will go"

so im all harnessed up and i go out on the platform where they do some more ropes and tell you a few things "cool its all good"
THEN i get out onto the little platform you jump off....i start screaming....like i couldnt even control myself....Fear had totally taken control of me and i just screamed...(ever time i watch the video of this it really creeps me out and the same panic rises in my chest) The attendants undid me and i went to sit on the side, i told them i would do it after two other people who where waiting...the whole time i was just like "I dont have to do it....yeah i paid and i want get my money back but i really can not do this..."

I did it....i totally distracted myself talking to the workers and then i just did it....holy cow....why do people do this? like seriously it was fun but.....who thought of this whole thing...i dont get it....it was actually pretty insane and im glad i did it it was just like....a challenge hahaha

the other tourist activity we did was called "The sunset cruise" it was lots of fun...we actually got really close to this crocile and i say a hippo charge another small boat...pretty crazy....

For actual christmas we where in a place called Lusaka staying at a backpackers called "Chachacha" im pretty sure i have bed bug bites from the bed there but other then that it was totally fine...i actually enjoyed it.
Christmas eve we just kind of hung out there with all this misfit zambians and chilled.
Christmas day we made ourself some nice breakfast and headed to this place called "Arcades" where this was a huge crowd of people and nothing to do...eventually we left there to go for dinner at a chinese place....the food there was incrediable! we ordered 10 sprinrolls hahaha

that kind of sums up my christmas....currently i am in Kebwa where emily and alisha live, we are just going to chill and watch movie and hang out (there really isnt anything to do here)
I hope to spend some chill time with Jesus cause he's planting some intense stuff in my heart that i would like to figure out sooner then later.

i hope you guys had a sweet christmas.

ps I would like to put it out there then when i have contact from home it makes me soooo happy....im not exactly homesick but i really miss all you guys and it would be sweet to get a few email updates

also check out my bunjee photos
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=197919&l=36334&id=567405623

deck the halls and bruise your hand

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Fri, 19 Dec 2008 12:39:00 +0000

I'm bad at updating....

I have a seriously bad sunburn, I'm wearing flip flops, the grass is green and there are flowers on some of the tree...how on earth can it be Christmas?
tomorrow me and my roommate Jessie will be traveling to Livingstone Zambia to spend Christmas and New years with some of our good friends Alisha and Emily.

I'm looking forward to it be a good time of rest because I'm quite exhausted. Which i don't really understand the exhaustion considering things have way slowed down...

We've done three camps this month and Stanley has had a real focus on Baptism and it turns out totally last minute at the first camp i got Baptized. It was a really awesome experience cause i was baptized by one of my favorite people with a group of some of my favorite people at one of my favorite places. (PS there are pictures of this on face book at this following link: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=192494&l=3df8c&id=567405623)

i have other things i could write about but i am to all over the place

Merry Christmas and all the jazz to everyone

"H" is for...

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 18:32:00 +0000

"H" is for Hope and "H" is also for heartbreak.
which would you like to hear about first in the alphabetical lesson about Africa?

so i was recently in Swaziland for 3 weeks....and its 5 days since I've returned and part of me is still standing here going "what just happened to me?" based on that i am just going to quote right from my journal rather then try to write something orignal

hope or heartbreak hope or heartbreak....

Hope

Nov. 5
so...so
This morning nomsa (the home base care coordinator and person i stayed with) came got me for breakfast and some of the volunteers have already arrived for the meeting. They are so cute, all bundled up in there blankets and jackets because its like.... plus 8 and they are freezing!

anyway as we are getting the meeting started one of the ladies starts singing and as i watch i them i'm hardcore choking back tears, these ladies are so beatufiul and i cant imagine the pride God has in them...

3 of theses ladies are easily as old as oma and where using canes, yet they walk those distances, carry those food parcels and they love the orphans like Jesus would have....I was humbled to be with them.

I stood up to start talking to them and i wanted to encourage them,i probably freaked them out because i was crying but i told them that i wanted to be like them, that i want to be giving like they are. I told them that i could write a "book" about spirituality and pleasing God like so many people do, but it would simply say "Go see the ladies in Swaziland,see how they give and are a example for there community and for me"

I encouraged them to keep going and that when they see God he is going to look at them and say "well done my daughter"

it was beautiful to be with them....

as you are reading this you might be going...i don't get it...and its hard to try to explain but these ladies walk huge distances all the time to visits vulnerable children in there community...the use what they have which is not a lot to take care of children that are not theirs....they are incredible

Hope

3 Nov

"when people look at me the wouldn't think i would be the one to do this work, i am not educated, i don't have money, but me and God have a secret you see..."

Nomsa said that last night and i keeps running through my head "me and God have a secret" i like that...

If God and Nomsa are the ones with this secret then we can surely have hopes that soon enough all these tears will be dried and the suffering with stop.

Heartbreak

13 Nov

"its to hard....i dont want to see anymore"
im thinking thisas we walk away from the first home visit with liez and jon.
we went and picked up roster (pronuced ro-sta) and went to visit one of her patients.
We pull up to a homestead that looks fairly weathly on the right side and run down mud huts on the left.

we wait at the gates as Roster goes in and greets people on the right.Nomsa starts telling the story of the girl as we wait.
"she is very sick and there is no food and no one to cook for her anyway...she had a baby last month...the hospital took it away because she is upset in the mind"

"how old is the patient?"

"i'm not sure roster knows"

as we wait a girl, who looks between 16 and 18, walks from the left side, she is extremly sick looking, very thing and has a hard time walking. She heard Roster's voice and was scared she would leave without coming to see her.

We go over to one of the shacks...inside smells dirty and there is a pile of dirty blankets on one side and a wooden bed fram with a old foam matress on the other. There is a Gogo sitting on the floor and the girls sits in the pile of blankets. Roster and Nomsa set up some mats so we can sit with them.

We begin to talk and i look around, Nomsa mentions that the walls are ready to crumble from the recent rain.. They slowly begun to tell us the story of what is happening here, the people on the right do not care at all for these ladies.

There are bags of maize along the wall which is confusing after hearing that the girl is not eating but they explain that the Gogo's son bring the maize and other food but she will not share it withe the girl.
Roster has brought some soft porridge and has to spoon fed the girl after mixing in some sort of medicine.
As i am taking this scene in i can not even imagine what this girl is going through, she is 22. She is so young and she can barly take care of herself...I keep making eye contact with her trying to some how tell her that i am here because of love and that i am so sorry if she is uncomfortable.

after the food her heavy breathing is getting easier.
Nomsa says "now we can pray"

"dont pick me dont pick me dont pick me" i think to myself
"Lacey can you please pray?"

I start to pray and i try so hard not to cry.
what do i pray for them?
I pray quickly asking God to make his love and presence known and thanking him that i dont have to know the answer and that i can run to him

I go to the girl and say "stay well" and rub her shoulder.
what else can i do?

i walk quickly to the car "this is to hard...i dont want to see anymore" i think

but when does Lili get to say "this is to hard" she doesnt. So i also have to keep going.

Again i dont know if this touches you or if you had to be there...but i am still trying to figure out how to deal with what happened...this girl is never far from my mind and i am praying that God will bless her daily.
I am so grateful and so in awe of the volunteers who do this everyday. They bring such hope.

Heartbreak

13 nov

after lunch we go to the hammer mill to grind maize for who nomsa is calling "Lacey's Gogo"
she is referring to a little old lady who cant see who lives down the road from where Nomsa stays.
The other day i went on a home visit with Glory and we visited this same Gogo and when we came to the house she was working hard to grind maize. Glory and I took over and I thanked God that we where able to make life that tiny bit easier for her.

I was really happy when nomsa said we could bring her some already ground maize.
When we arrived she had locked herself in her house, Baba Lukhele (nomsa's husband) told us later that she locks herself in every day until her grandchild come home because once 3 men came and threatened her and she is to scared to be out of her home.

Anyway when we sit and Nomsa shows her the maize she lets out such a joyful noise and then she crawls to kiss all our hands
"How good is God that he brings you here to care for me?" she tells Nomsa in siswati....

how good is God that he lets me experience these thing? I have been changed forever i will never be able to live for solely myself with out hating myself and i praise God for it.

"H" is for hope and heartbreak.

i dont even have a clever title...

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Fri, 24 Oct 2008 15:02:00 +0000

oh blog oh bother!
I dont even know where to begin....what have i been doing for the last while? hmmmm well! i turned 19, an experiance that came with a wonderful and extremaly creative party/treasure hunt put on by my clever friends.(thanks to everyone who sent birthday wishes!)

I have also moved! i no longer live at beloved westmont cottage. I have moved (with my crazy amount of belonging that i need to get rid of) up to hands village...its nice....its different...

This sunday i will be embarking on a journy to swaziland...one of the only remaining kingdoms on earth you know.
I will be "capacity building" in on of the Home base cares there....i feel...kind of prepared? but ask me when i come back.
(this could be a point of prayer for people because all in all im rather nervous about going out and being by myself for 3 weeks :( )

when i come back i promise the most awesome blog ever, i just thought i would give a quick quick update!

ps South Africa has the sweetest most intense thunder storms you will ever experiance in your whole life!!!

one two three four tell me that you love me more

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Fri, 19 Sep 2008 17:17:00 +0000

I didnt really know what to write so im just directly quoting the stories/thoughts and prayers from my journal

Sept 13
"I dont know how to be a mother" i Had this thought today after the second child in a few hours said i was like there mother.

First Nokubonga, I think she said i was like her mother because i would hug her back, she has a strong personality and i dont know if people really know how to deal with her. Thinking about her makes me what to cry, she is a only child, orphaned and living with a ver sick Gogo.

Second was Emmanuel. Emmanuel is 17, taking care of his two younger brothers, and fighting with his Gogo for the child care grant.

I really dont know how he gets by...first he took me aside to tell me about the problems with his Gogo and I said I would Speak to his childcare worker and try to make a plan, then later he pulled me aside and was like "you are my mother i need to tell you all my problems, Lacey I have no Food, I have nothing to give my brothers either"

After asking both Stanley and Musi for advice, Alisha and i went and bought him a few vegatables and bread, it wasnt much...actually in the big scheme of things it wasnt anything but i need to fing a more sustainable solution.

My heart is truely truelt broken, and for a while there i was really angry, Angry in a way that may seem selfish, I was thinking "why do i have to deal with this? why do i have to be the one to struggle with the decision of who to buy food for? is this not something the body of christ took care of a long time ago?"

But I guess I'm the one with the experiance, I'm the one who got to take care of Jesus in "the least of these"

My heart is broken, My heart is broken, My heart is broken.

Dear Jesus
Im Confused and broken and hurting because i know the broken hearted-ness that i feel is nothing compared to the hurt you feel...and mine really hurts
You love Nokubonga and Emmanuel far more then me or anyone...i dont know what to do.
Please Jesus, Be Nokubonga's comfort, be her friend when she is alone.
Please Jesus,Best friend, be Emmanuels strenght and his hope when things are hard.
-Lacey

Sept 14
I've Burst into tears randomly at least 7 times today, this whole thing with Emmanuel has shook me alot more theni even realized.

sept 18
I went out fro lunch with a friend today and we where talking about how we messure success, and how it can get kind of scewed into this thing of "how big did my program get?" "how many people did i reach?" and how that so cant be how we look at things.

I was just thinking about Linkie. the other day she was telling me about one of her neighbors that she goes to visit to help her take her ARV's so she wont default....what a success! what a beautiful accomplishment!

Because every- 1 matters, God has this big plan for every- 1, he brought me to africa to hold modisa's hand when she was crying at the camp, he brougth me to africa to buy emmanuel bread, to give nokubonga and bongi hugs, to wash pai pai out of clerences hair and to play with princess in the creche, because every- 1 matters....

for the past few days i was feeling a little bit down, after a conversation i had with someone where i felt they where saying they need more skilled people to do the job im doing, i felt bad cause im like "ug! this program could run better if someone with better qualifcations was doing it, if only i could do dot dot dot" but then i rememebered i dont care about that stuff i dont care if i dont have certain sicks....God brought me here to love people....

"So let in the light wherever, whenever you can. And after cultivating the glow for a while, let it go,let it flow, transmit it, and you're sure to receive more along the way, just keep on loving thats the bottom line. Everything is here because of love. That's why we were created- to love!
Love Keeps things going now, and for forever. Love sets us out on our journey and ensures our safe return. Go with the Flow, keep pace with the lovebeats of the heart
-Robert Lax"

the far side

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Fri, 05 Sep 2008 15:49:00 +0000

wow....i just had this whole blog all typed up and then wam...deleted out of no where and i dont even know how or why! that does not help the teen anxiet, which just happened to be the topic of this blog.

for the past week or so i have been having this whirling crazy feeling inside my heart...i have been confused about what it means to be real and its driving me slightly crazy.

I had come to the conclusion that i have cheated myself out of the whole story, the whole process of following Christ....I think like everything(well maybe not everything but like...alot) about me up to two years ago was really just a person desiring the "spiritual person" image....and i think that has given me a corrupt foundation....so reacantly i have "started" over with Jesus....asking HIM(not others)to show me who he is...and wow...we've only just started but he's a pretty big deal im not going to lie.
i also asked him what is life? how do you want me to live?
and oh gosh....gotta go deeper but dont know how...got to get more uncomfortable but im scared.

the other day i had a conversation with this wonderful lady who helps us run our after school program and i told her that i feel like i have to talk "extreme" not to like impress people but to use that to push myself...i want the things i say to be real and i want to do the things i say i will do.

these thoughts are slightly broken up but maybe someone will get what i am trying to say.

"Being a christian is about choosing Jesus and deciding to do something incrediably daring with your life"

"there are those of us who, rather than simply reject pop evangelicalism, want to spread another kind of Christianity, a faith that has as much to say about this world as it does the next"

"we are thirsty for social justice and peace but have a hard time finding a faith community that reconizez that there are "moral issues" other than homosexuality and abortion,moral issues like war and poverty"

"I had become a "believer" but i had no idea what it means to be a follower.People had taught me what christians believe but no one had told me how christians live"

These quotes/thoughts and many others have been plaguing/sanding/breaking/building/preparing me lately and i would love to hear anyone elses thoughts.

sashlagoshla(stay well)

from Mozambique to Memphis nights life is a highway

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 07:31:00 +0000

Last week started out extremely stressful...I actually stayed home from work on Tuesday just cause i couldn't and didn't want to deal with work, but the plan of going to Mozambique for the weekend totally kept me going, and it was actually so amazing and just what i needed.

Maputo is more of what i would expect of a African city, like joburg just seemed to westernized, but Maputo was....really dirty, nothing posted in English,people everywhere...it was extremely lovely.

After getting through the border a lot faster then we anticipated we headed to "Fatima's" backpackers hostel, which was absolutely the coolest place ever....I seriously could have spent the whole weekend just hanging out there, trying to get up the courage to talk to some of the other really cool looking guests.

Our First morning we got up, went and had some lovely fresh Portuguese rolls, exchanged our money and headed to the market.
I am sad to say that as far as the things the market had to offer for buying where a little disappointing.... mainly things i could have got here in south Africa and every stall seemed to have the same thing but the vibe was really cool and it was nice to walk around and watch people or watch our friend Darryl interacting with people (he's a very special guy :) ) after the market we headed across the street to a material (there is another word for what they are called but i can not recall it now) warehouse/shop and i bought far to many pretty materials and it seemed like a rather long process cause the sales guy was trying to teach me Portuguese and unfolding ever piece i expressed interest in, but i guess "while in Rome"

After shopping we went and had lunch and then we went off to the beach,at the beach it was kinda weird cause i separately felt like each of my parents, the first thing i did was walk around and collect shells and pieces of broken glass and stuff to make a mosaic/pretty thing, like my dad used to do when the tide would go out in BC. Then later i was the only one in the water (with my all my clothes on no less) and i felt like my mother....crazy. after hanging out at the beach we went for dinner and back to the hostal for a little while, after not really knowing what to do we drove around a bit and ended up at the beach.
Darryl had a good time running around looking at the tide pools and almost being kidnapped by the millions of chirping crabs, and the rest of us had a good time watching him.
The next day we went to a a place called "Katemba" (my african spelling is like my english spelling meaning not so good so thats def not spelled correctly), we had to cross from Maputo to katemba on the sketchiest looking ferry that i ever did see,and on the ferry ride back they packed like a whole country on to the boat....i would not have been surprized if we had sunk... there where so many people on the boat that we couldnt open the doors to out car.
anyway the beach at katemba was really chill, it was alot less busy that the one in maputo and yeah we just spent the day relaxing.

African police men are a little different then police you would find in north america... and i have a little story to illustrate

so we are driving along that road all peacful and happy, then suddenly and police officer with a huge AK47 walks out into the road and signals us to pull over, we where expecting this because apparently Moz police keep their eyes open for forign plates. So we are pulled over, there are three other cops with big guns standing there and the first cop circles are car looks at all of us and asks for Jon's license, he examines the license and then says "well,you" (points to darryl, who is sitting in the back seat) "have made a common mistake, you are not wearing a seatbelt" long moment of silence "thats a fine of 1000 metecals" another moment of silence and then Jon in a very angry voice is like "fine but i want a reciepe" the police man says "fine we will have to go to the police station" jon in his attitude voice says "fine lets go" then the cop suddent changes his mind and says "the fine is 1000 mets but you can apologies to me for 500" Jon barters it down to 300 and we are merrily along are way.execpt ever 5 minutes Jon remembers what happens and gets all mad...it was so funny.
except if you ask him about it now he will deny it every happened....just like he would deny how a group of them got lost up Mount Legogote for 5 hours in the dark last week.

when the internet is working better i will try and upload pictures from Mozimbique.

I just have to mention how happy I am, I have so many moments where im like "i can not believe this is my life...." Its really a unbelieavble cool feeling.

you do the hokey pokey and thats what its all about

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 11:37:00 +0000

I ate Chicken feet, i was going to like try and work that into a story or just causal mention it but really the fact is to traumatic to throw off handedly. I ate chicken feet, you know the things chickens walk on...yeah i ate that.... now that that is off my chest i can like tell you the story.

Today is my first day back from being in the community for about 7 days, I stayed with a few different people, first with my original host family, the host sister is named Virgina, then Nombolalo, then Lebo, then Thabisle (thabi for short.
My stay with Virgina and Nombolalo was fairly normal, when i first got to Virgina's i couldn't express how happy i was to be back staying in the community and it was cute she was talking to someone on her phone and i worked out what she was saying in siswati and she said "I'm happy sister Lacey is staying with us again" cute!

I have few funny stories from lebo's house.
Lebo's great Uncle has a job so their family has a little more money then most and a little more luxury's then most...like a black and white TV, So I'm sitting there with Lebo's Gogo (grandma) and her great Gogo, and we where watching WWE and it was hilarious cause he Gogo was like Cheering and stuff, then she turns to me and is like "Lacey who is your favorite?" I only know the name of one wrestler so i say "CM Punk" and she looks and me and says "CM Punk is a good man" like he saved her life or something it was Hilarius!

Then at the same house, for dinner the next day, Lebo cooked Cow liver and i really couldn't hack that ( i had no idea what was waiting for me two days from then!) so i just said i wasn't hungry and her Gogo is so like upset cause she thinks I'm dieting so she goes into this big self esteem speech with me "Lacey! Jesus likes big girls and he will help you!" was pretty much my favorite line ever....but i also kinda wanted to be like "actually Gogo i love who i am i just dint love cow liver!"

But then...i go over to Thabi's house and the first night we have tin fish, called Pilcards, which i ate as to not offended anyone and when i go into the kitchen to help her cook for the second night i was relived to not smell fish, Thabi says "Lacey grab the small pot" i do and i am horrified to see what I'm pretty sure is a Halloween decoration of severed chicken limbs in the pot of whats is supposed to be supper. She puts 3 on my plate and i just sit and stare...Chicken fingers will never be the same for me...never.So i stick to the side of pap and just kind of observer...am i really supposed to each this thing with toenails? but i have a back up plan!
We took thabi and her family for savory pancakes and she could hardly eat it, so i started talking about that and i was like "Thabi i don't know if i can eat 3, how bout leave me one" so she does, then i pick it up and the rest is history....

Oranges!

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 17:11:00 +0000

so I have this policy you see, this policy about not really sharing many pictures just because i would perfer to come home and be able to share the stories with the pictures as well buuuuut i decieded to upload this pictures from a recent de-wormig adventure,We were in a community other then masoyi and it was some where outside of nelspruti maybe 30-45 minutes away from where i stay. So many children and so many oranges! and it was up to me to peel them...well not all of them but many.

standing face to face

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 10:43:00 +0000

so the other day we where watching this video and in this video there was a Shepard and a guy who was tagging alone to see what it is like to be a Shepard, apparently in the hot season sheep get something called "summer fever" and they get headaches (how they know this i don't really know)
so the Shepard takes oil and massages all the sheep's heads, the observes asks "so do they all feel better now?"
the Shepard says "well i don't think so, but i don't think they want me to take their pain away i think they just want to know i am there and that i care"

since then I've been thinking a lot about if we as people would rather God just not let us feel pain or let us feel pain but through that let us know that he is with us in our pain.
I love the sound of the second part.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I will blog more of whats been going on lately at a later time

Brian wilson

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Thu, 03 Jul 2008 07:41:00 +0000

during our footprints training one of our assignements was to write a "10 commandments" for our life (and okay a little backround info, this past week i have felt aweful, like i wasnt understanding why i am here and all this stuff and it just sucked,) so i was laying in my bed kinda pouting, kinda ranting inside my brain andim looking at all the stuff posted on my wall and one of the things is my commandments

1) Be a lover
> love God, love people
(this is number one and most important, its something i need to remember when i get frustrated with the people i live and work with, i need to remember to love people and God most importantly)
2)Don't Fear
>let Go
(it could be the fear i get at night when i think people are trying to break in or the fear that i am not meant to be here)
3)Trust
>Know there is a plan
(this one i've been so bad at! there is a plan for me, for africa for everything!)
4)Be Real
> be the created not the creator
(i created a expectation of what i wanted to experiance to be, i need to let that go and just go with what God has created)
5)Be Open
>to Experiances, to God, to people
(i've not been letting God lead me to to experiances i should be open to)
6) Reflect what you believe

after reading through all that i felt way relieved
it was pretty cool

one can of chickpeas

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 17:15:00 +0000

i walk up to a counter and i get a confused look before i even open my mouth the clerk demands "where are you from?"

"um...canada...why?"

"cause a white south african would NEVER have dreadlocks"

~ ~ ~ ~

My heart it totally stirring,Africa is amazing so amazing that i dont often have time to blog but i hope that everyone is still praying for me and for the people i've set them up with.

This week we are having camps with some of our youth and im so excited!
But this week is also full of alot of comings and goings, Dan Johns who has been with hands for a while and who is actually from WKC and with sojourners (so we odviously have some stuff in common) is leaving and his farewell was full and tears and major inspiration...he has deeply touched lives here and i hope God uses me in the same way.
Mary my roomate and good friend for the past two months is also leaving, it will be sad to see her go :(

but we are getting many new people so thats exciting as well.
thats all i really have time for right now but check back in the next few days!!

Fashion Wrinkles

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Sun, 01 Jun 2008 18:14:00 +0000

I never know where to start these things.

I wish you could all crawl in side my brain and see and feel the things i am seeing and feeling, i think something that is very important to me is that others see and understand what i am.

if you could crawl into my brian right now you would find that i have a song from the african church i went to this morning stuck there, the church service was absolutely amazing, it was basically a 2 and half hour dance party, the singing was incrediable and filled the whole neighthood let alone the whole room, i couldnt stop smiling if i had wanted to!

if you could crawl into my heart right now you would find that it is still broken, but that it is learning many many new things, one thing being that i am here to become more secure in God's love and to love people, i am learning that stressing out about what i have to offer them in the way of help is not getting me far its just getting me to a knotted frustrated place and i cant get anything accomplished that way. it is being reconfirmed in my heart that realtionship with other people is what is important and what really matters, I am so blessed to know the people that i know....

if you crawled into another part of my heart you would find how i love my art class! how im so excited about how they are doing and what we are going to contuie to do with them, you will find how i am worried about one of the boys whos name is mthabiso who has just been taken away to inetation camp, which is a cultural experiance that can go very wrong.

if you could crawl into my brian right now you would find that i am planning what i am going to be doing this week and i dont even really know, monday will involve alot of small meetings to prepare monthly reports and making of the schedules for the youth program and young mothers and the rest of the week will probably come out of that, i plan on going to visit a few of the youth at where they stay and yeah....This friday i also get to go into Joburg to see one of my favorite bands, the counting crows perform and im pretty darn excited about that.

I think thats all i can really say for right now....
please if anyone still wants people to pray for as a part of the prayer network i have people i still want to partner up, so let me know! reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com

world where you live

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Wed, 21 May 2008 08:18:00 +0000

I am getting so frustated!
this is like the 6th time ive started this entry, i've put this off for so long that i dont even know where to start.

the past two weeks i have felt my heart rooting here and i have felt its breaking, and the sadness i have felt has been like no other feeling i have ever had. In north america i dont think we know what it means to be a orphan and God has definitly been putting that on my heart for the past while.

To be a Child of Masoyi or generally a child of africa means that you have watched each of your parents waste away for like 24 months, the whole time you dont really understand whats going on and not knowing what to do, then your parents do pass away and you are alone, and you are left with this huge love-less void in your life, you dont have the two people who are suppost to suport you and guide you and be there for you to talk to, you are alone.

its blows me away when i think about it how when i am at youth, or when i am with the young mothers or at one of the care centers that EVERY single one of those people have been through this.

and what comes out of this situation is a generation who is not scared of dealth, a generation that doesnt really care about HIV cause it took there parents so it may as well take them to, a generation who wants love but has not been loved so doesnt know how to.

I need to always remind myself that i am best friends with the God of impossiablites, my hope is completely in Jesus, I guess i may come off as a religion freak but to see what has been done here and what needs to change in our whole world to see the change here there is no other place to put hope.

so yes this has been my heart for the past while.

go outside quietly

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Wed, 07 May 2008 07:50:00 +0000

I so have the biggest crush ever on Africa...

the other day i came up with an idea that i think is totally Brill ant, but first some background information.
Hands at work has a goal to reach 100,000 OVC's by 2010, this is a HUGE goal, but Hands believes that God gave them this goal and that through him all things and possible.
so we pray lots about reaching this goal and we pray for all the project leaders and stuff and I've always loved prayer and when people prayed for me and how prayer can just connect people, like before i came to Africa after reading Laura's book i prayed for 3 people, Stanley Winny and Themba almost every day, now Stanley and i work together its a pretty cool experience.
ANYWAY the other day when i was talking to my sister as we where saying goodbye i was like "Zoey can you please pray for the forward students? they are starting their exams now" and she was like "for sure" and the more i thought about prayer, the more i was thinking about how cool it would be to set a person from home up with a specific person from here to be prayed for, so that's what I'm going to do.

I already have a list going of people who i want to link together but there are many others who would be encouraged by a friend in Canada praying for them, I'm setting up this little packages with the persons picture and a part of there story (some of you already have them coming in the mail!) I believe prayer is very important and i think praying for someone real that you know there story can help you be a part of whats going in in Africa.

so i would like everyone who wants a person to pray for to please email me (reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com), and please make sure i have your mailing address so i can send you the little package.

everywhere i look

reflectwhatyoubelieve@hotmail.com (Lacey) — Sat, 03 May 2008 19:46:00 +0000

another day another blog.
The past two months i have really realized how much "of my generation" i really am, cause when every something worth anything happens im like "im totally blogging about this"

I realize my blogs can be kind of heavy so i was thinking about like all the things i love about south africa and stuff and yeah i thought i would write about that.

I love that when we drive through masoyi everyone waves and smiles, i love saying "yebo" drawn out and in two slylabals and trying to learn siswati, i(usually) love how everytime i sit down in the community someone does my hair, i love having grilled cheese sandwiches for breakfast, i love the way africans sing, i love how the people i am around are REAL, i love sending snail mail,I love how my siwati name is "Tsandza" which means love, I love listening to my friend stanley laugh because his laugh is hilarous, i love how our house is like comfortable with each other, I love going to induna adventures with the youth group here and seeing these youth get a day to just like be teenagers and play and hang out (we did a huge zipline and i was terrified and screaming and i will forever be mocked because of it), I love spening time in the youth meetings because i dont know if i have ever been so impressed, these kids totally respect and trust each other they act so mature, giving everyone a chance to speak and listen, I know for a fact that they are going to change there community for the better. I loved going to st.johns which is a children hostile, i loved how the nuns that work at st.johns say that she truly believes that the children who live there (27 of which are HIV positive)DO have a future, they arent just creating a comfortable place for them to die, they are creating a home for these beautiful children, i love how when i was in canada i thought winking at people was like the creepist thing you could do and now its like all i do, i love how i can eat pup now when before i was kind of ignorant about it, i love how when people ask me how old i am and i say 18 they are all like SOOO shocked, i love how the other day Dara, laura, Callan and myself smelled dustans pillow, i love when dara and laura send me "sms"(texts) saying "i miss you" when im away from them for like...a hour. I love how all the youth know who my sister is cause i always talk about her, i dont particularly love but find kind of funny how when we play silly games the youth try to do things just to embarras me, i love how things just come together.I love how i feel i am learning more about who i am. I love how God is SOO present here.

I love my life here.